CHAPTER SEVEN
Jared arrived at Jensen’s house a little after seven and brought his gift, a store bought cake, and a giant smile.
“What’s this?” Jensen asked, and pointed to the cake.
“I know you said you didn’t want to celebrate, but I couldn’t let you completely off the hook, so I brought a cake. It doesn’t have to be a birthday cake if you don’t want it to be. It can just be an ordinary Friday cake, and we can eat it while enjoying this,” he said and handed over the gift.
“You bought me a present?”
“Yeah.”
“I thought I told you not to bring anything.”
“Obviously I’m not that good at following orders.”
“Obviously.”
They walked into the living room. Jared set the cake on the coffee table while Jensen sat down to open his gift. He opened the wrapping paper carefully, much more careful than Jared had been when he wrapped it, and it drove Jared a tiny bit crazy.
“Are you always this slow opening presents?” He couldn’t help but ask.
“Always,” Jensen laughed.
“Thank God it’s not Christmas, it would have taken forever.”
“Nah, on Christmas Carrie is more than willing to help me open my gifts. It doesn’t take long, believe me.”
He was finally rid of the paper and turned the box over to read the front. “Phantasm,” Jensen smiled.
“Yeah,” Jared nodded, “you don’t have it do you?”
“No, I, no…” Jensen shook his head. “Wow, thank you, this is great.”
“So you like it then?”
“Definitely.” Jensen smiled, and Jared could see that it was genuine, which made him happier than he had felt in a long time.
“Good.”
“You know what this means though?”
“What?”
“Even more movie nights.”
“Yeah, yeah, I guess.”
They smiled at each other before Jensen suddenly moved to stand up. “Guess we need coffee for the cake, huh?”
“Yeah, that’ll be good.” Jared answered and followed Jensen to the kitchen. He had been over enough times now that it was natural for him to help set the table without asking Jensen what they need and where to find it.
“Thanks for coming tonight.” Jensen said, halfway through filling the coffee maker. He bit the tip of his tongue counting the spoonfuls of coffee, and Jared was distracted by the pink tip.
“Hmm? Oh, no problem.”
“There, that should be enough,” Jensen said and smiled at Jared.
“Yeah, sure.” Jared was still a bit distracted and Jensen sent him a curious look. Jared shook his head to clear his mind of Jensen’s mouth and how much he wanted to kiss it. “Er, why didn’t you want to celebrate your birthday?” he asked, trying to shift focus away from his own behavior.
“Uhm.” Jensen hesitated.
“Sorry, you don’t have to…”
“No it’s okay,” Jensen stopped him. “It’s not so much that I don’t want to celebrate my birthday, as I am not ready to have our friends over here yet.”
“Oh…”
“She used to be a part of ‘us’ you know. So this would have been the first time we were all together without her here, and I’m not ready for that.”
“Glad I could come instead, then.”
“Yeah, me too.” They went silent for a while and before Jensen realized what he said.. “Not that I didn’t want you here for you, I mean, I didn’t invite you just for it not to be just ‘us’ I really wanted you to be here as well. Because, you know….”
Jensen’s voice seemed to falter and Jared cut in, “It’s okay, I know that. And I’m glad you invited me.”
“I just want to say thank you for being there for me all this time. You’ve been a great friend, and I didn’t even know you that well to begin with, but you just let me ramble on when I needed to, and guess what I am trying to say is that you have become a really good friend. So thank you.” Jensen looked a bit embarrassed. Jared guessed he didn’t feel comfortable talking about feelings, since he usually doesn’t unless he had some alcohol to help him. He could have brushed it off and made it easier for Jensen, but he thought the subject was too important to ignore.
“You’ve become a good friend to me too. This doesn’t go just one way you know.”
“Well then, that’s good,” Jensen said and started staring at the coffee maker. “So, ready to watch the first movie?”
“Sure.” Jared was excited because he had only seen the first one, but he had always wanted to catch the rest of them. Chad wasn’t much of a horror movie fan, they watched mostly action flicks, so he was happy to watch horror with Jensen. They put in the DVD and cut themselves large pieces of cake before hitting play. Jared wolfed down half of his piece before the opening credits and was cutting a second slice just minutes into the film. He saw Jensen chuckle at him, and he smiled back, too content to be insulted. It was a damn good cake and Jensen knew how to make great coffee. The evening couldn’t have been going better.
Half way through the film Jensen stood up to get some tortilla chips, so Jared paused the DVD.
“You didn’t have to stop the it,” Jensen called from the kitchen. Jared heard the refrigerator door open and he got up to see if Jensen needed any help.
“Can I give you a hand?” he asked as soon as he entered the kitchen.
“Sure, grab a couple of beers, and I’ll bring in the chips,” Jensen told him. Jared obliged. They settled back in and started the film again. Jared loved it just as much as he remembered, and if Jensen’s intense stare at the TV was anything to judge by, he did too. They raised the idea of watching the second film but neither one stood up to change the DVD. Instead they started talking, and after a while Jensen turned off the TV. It wasn’t until after midnight and 3 more beers that Jared remembered he had no idea what Jensen did for a living.
“So, I’m really embarrassed for asking this after so much time, but what is it that you do? I mean, for work?”
“Haven’t I told you?”
“No, don’t think so.”
“Oh, well, I work in a team of writers for a TV show called
Vampire Nights. ”
“You’re kidding!”
“Nope, not kidding.”
Jared couldn’t believe he ran beside Jensen on a treadmill this whole time not knowing he was a screenwriter for a horror show. Jared had even watched a few episodes and liked them, so he told Jensen as much.
“So that’s why you love film so much, eh?”
“Well, more the other way around. I started in that line of work because I love film so much.”
“Yeah, that actually makes more sense.” Jared laughed.
“So what about you? How did you end up in daycare?”
“My aunt.” Jared put down his beer bottle. His hands were damp from condensation on the cold bottle, and he dried them on his pants. “She used to run a private daycare in her basement when my cousins were young. When I was old enough I started helping out after school and during school holidays, and I loved it. I knew I wanted to work with kids. I’ve never regretted it, I love it.”
“Have you ever thought about having your own kids?”
“I would love to, but I don’t know.”
“Why?”
“I would have to find the right partner, one who’s willing to adopt with me. I mean, it’s not impossible, but so many gay men have just accepted that they won’t have children on their own and are okay with that, so it takes a lot more to find the ones that are willing to raise kids with you. And it can be hard on the kid when it’s two men rather than a mom and dad, and well… If I find a man that wants to have a kid with me, then that’s great, if not then that’s not a deal breaker.”
“Yeah, I see. Guess you’re right.”
“Did you always want to have kids?”
“Didn’t think about it that much, it just happened, but when it did it was a pleasant surprise.”
“Yeah, and she’s great.”
“Yes, she is, isn’t she?” Jensen beamed at Jared, as proud as can be. They each grabbed a handful of chips and sank deeper into the coach. Jensen had propped his legs up on the coffee table and Jared used a nearby chair to do the same. It was late but neither of them made a move to end the evening.
“She seems to deal pretty well,” Jared said, and he figured it had a lot to do with the strong support she had in both her father and grandparents. “It’s only natural that she has some reactions, it’s a huge trauma after all, but luckily she is rather outspoken. And it’s lucky she has you as a father, it’s remarkable the way you have handled this.”
Jensen huffed and gave a small laugh. Jared looked up at him and wondered what made him give that response.
“What?”
“Just something Danneel said. She always…” he moved to sit up in the coach and turned towards Jared, “when people said she handled it so well, being sick, she always resented it. I understand now.”
“Why?” Jared had to look up to look him in the eyes, since he was halfway lying and Jensen was sitting up.
“She always said that she didn’t handle it well. That she was angry, frustrated, and pissed. She really hated it. She talked about how people seemed to accept their destiny, that they accepted they were going to die, and embraced what little life they had left. But she didn’t. She never accepted it. She fought it to the bitter end. But what else
could she do? She couldn’t give up; she had too much to live for. There was so much to leave behind. Carrie…" Jensen’s voice cracked. Jared sat up and wanted to grab his hand. “Even three days before she died, she said she was scared.”
A tear escaped Jensen’s eyes, but he dried it before it had a chance to run down his cheek.
“She was so scared of dying, and she was so angry that she had to die.” Jensen went quiet for a while, and Jared decided to go ahead and take his hand. Jensen didn’t even seem to notice.
“So she didn’t handle it well,” Jensen finally whispered, “she just couldn’t give up”
“I’m so sorry,” Jared moved closer and drew him in to a hug.
“She just wanted them to acknowledge that she was just
human and not expect more of her than that.” Jensen mumbled against Jared’s neck. Jared ran his hand in circles on Jensen’s back, like when he comforted children at work. They sat like that for a while, Jensen silently sobbing in Jared’s arms, while Jared tried to soothe him..
“Jensen…”
“No, Jared,” Jensen said with more force in his voice, “I agree with her. She didn’t deserve this, and I am so angry. I am angry at God for taking her. I am angry that he made all of us going through this, because we did not deserve it.” Jensen sat up a bit but didn’t remove himself from Jared’s embrace. “Carrie does not deserve to grow up without a mother, and she does not deserve to be stuck with me as a single dad, because I am not handling it well. I am not a good father to her now, and I don’t know how to make it right. And I didn’t deserve it either, to be left with the sole responsibility of a daughter, because cancer killed a wonderful young woman with so much life still to live. So, fuck, don’t say I handle it well!”
When Jensen ended his speech he was crying again, and Jared pulled him in tighter. He knew that the anger wasn’t directed at him, but towards cancer - maybe even towards God?
* Jared woke up early the next morning with a crick in his neck. He was disoriented at first, not immediately recognizing his surroundings, but quickly realized he was sprawled out on Jensen’s couch, with Jensen in his arms. Or more precisely, in his lap. Jensen had cried himself to sleep on him, possibly aided by the amount of beer they had consumed. Not wanting to wake him, Jared reached out his leg to put his feet up on the chair and leaned back to rest his head against the wall. He only meant to sit like that for a few minutes, but he must have fallen back asleep.
He awoke a while later with an urgent feeling in his bladder. He gently nudged Jensen awake, wiggling his way out from underneath as soon as Jensen started to move. He ran to the bathroom before even saying a word to Jensen. He has a suspicion that if he had waited so much as a fraction of a second, he wouldn’t have made it in time.
He washed his hands, using the liquid soap from the dispenser and not the green dog placed in the orange bowl by the sink. He padded out into the living room and saw Jensen sitting upright on the couch, trying his best to wake up.
“Good morning,” Jared said, trying to sound chipper, but the words came out sounding gruff.
“Hi, good morning, I guess…” Jensen looked confused and Jared had to stifle a laugh. “Uhm, I guess I fell asleep on you?”
“Guess you did.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Jared lifted his coffee cup from last night, now containing something that smelled sour and looked like tar. He wrinkled his nose and put the cup down again.
“Let me make you some fresh coffee,” Jensen said and collected the cups from the table.
Jared followed him to the kitchen and helped clean up the mess from the night before. “Sorry about yesterday,” Jensen said, his back towards Jared as he measured the grounds.
“Nothing to be sorry about,” Jared ensured him.
“It’s just, you…” Jensen seemed lost for words before he found the courage to say what was on his mind. “I can’t talk to anyone else about this, so it all comes out on you, you know. To everyone else I have to walk on eggshells, to grieve ‘correctly’, because they all had a large piece of Danneel, and they all grieve just as much, so I can’t tell them what’s really on my mind. But you’re different. You didn’t have a part of her, so you’re safe.”
“Then use me.”
“I am, believe me.”
Jensen filled two mugs from the not yet completely filled pot. A few stray drops of coffee landed on the plate and sizzled as they boiled. He placed the mugs on the table, one in front of Jared and one across from himself before he continued, “To everyone else we were the perfect couple, you know? We were high school sweethearts that were ‘meant to be’. Everyone expected us to get married, us included, so we did. But I’m not sure either of us really wanted it.”
“Didn’t you…?”
Jensen didn’t let him finish. “I wasn’t unhappy, no, but I wasn’t happy either.”
“Many people are like that,” Jared tried to comfort him, but didn’t know if he had inadvertently dismissed his feelings instead.
“I know, and I think that’s why we went on with it. It wasn’t a deep profound love, but it wasn’t bad either. I mean, it’s not so bad marrying your best friend, right? And we truly were best friends. Sure, I loved her, but I was never
in love with her.”
Jared didn’t say anything. He had nothing to say, and he knew Jensen needed to get the words out. It didn’t matter that he had heard the speech before, because Jensen didn’t remember telling it. But even if he did, Jared would listen again if Jensen needed to get it off his chest again.
“They expect me to grieve so much more than they are, because she was my wife, and I don’t think I do. And I can’t tell them that and it’s eating me alive, because I feel like they show me so much affection that I don’t deserve. They put me in a position I haven’t earned, and I’m so scared they will find out. That they will resent me when they realize I wasn’t good enough for her.”
“Oh, Jensen….” He couldn’t find the words, but what do you say to something like that? He just grabbed his hand and gave it a sympathetic squeeze. Jensen seemed lost in the moment until he suddenly looked at Jared with something like realization in his eyes.
“I’ve told you this before, haven’t I? Oh I’m so sorry for singing the same sad song over and over.”
“No, you haven’t,” Jared told him, “not all of it.”
Definitely not all of it. They sat in silence for a while, only interrupted by Jared’s loud yawns that he couldn’t suppress. At the third yawn he finally listened to what his body was trying to tell him and stood up to leave. It was still fairly early and if he got moving now he’d be able to catch a couple of hours of sleep before starting his day. Jensen, being the perfect host, led him to the hallway and even grabbed his jacket for him. Jared accepted it with a ‘thank you’ and a smile and pulled it on in one fluid movement.
“Guess I’ll see you Monday.” he said and moved to walk past Jensen.
“Guess so.” Jensen said, but instead of moving out of Jared’s way, he took a step closer. It was only a fraction of a second and before he could react, Jensen had taken a step back again.
There was a moment of awkward silence before Jared finally said, “Goodbye.” and stepped out in the cold air.
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